AdScam/The Horror!

Kate kicks arse!

The always Loverrrllly Ms Moss has once again shown that she not only looks Loverrrllly, she delivers the goods. Apparently, St Tropez, the fake tan stuff she’s been pimping recently is showing increased sales thanks to Kate’s efforts. Mind you, consider the fact that it never stops pissing down in Blighty, and the chances of getting a real tan are guaranteed only by drinking yourself blind on the beaches of the “Costa del Piss Up.” Anyway, in my opinion… Kate can do no fucking wrong!

Kate bares her all for St Tropez!

For the adscamer who has everything!

Between the Internet, Google and Amazon, you can find, do, and buy anything. How many meetings have you been in where some MBA douchenozzle presents two hundreds slides of absolute shit and all you want to do is jump on the table and scream… “I don’t give a flying fuck!” Well, now you can, and you can do it in a way that will make you a fucking rock star. Now available on Amazon, be the first on your block to own “The Flying Fuck Helicopter. 

A miniature helicopter in the shape of the word “Fuck.” Is this fucking brilliant, or not? And while you’re there treat yourself to the “Runny Nose Shower Gel Dispenser!” Is AdScam the best fucking ad blog on the planet, or what?

If you’re going to “homage” – “homage” the best!

Because I am a huge fan of Andy Borowitz, as well as being an AdHo, I am not ashamed to shamelessly “Homage” his New Yorker column of yesterday. 

Murdoch divorce stuns Satan!

HELL (The Borowitz Report)—Word that the News Corporation chief executive Rupert Murdoch has filed for divorce from his wife, Wendi Deng, came as a “total surprise” to longtime Murdoch confidant Satan, the Lord of the Underworld said today. “I am totally blindsided by this,” Satan told reporters. “He and I talk every day.”Citing his long history with the media titan, the Hound of Hell said, “We go way back. I gave him the idea for Fox News. I told him to hire Roger Ailes. That’s why this is such a shock.” A frequent dining companion of the Murdochs, Satan said he “didn’t have a clue that they were having problems. I’ve had dozens of dinners with them in the Hamptons, did they bicker? No more than other couples. But they seemed to be on the same page about all the important things, like creating corrupt media monopolies and buying politicians. I thought they were for keeps.” Adding that he “cares deeply about his friends,” Satan said the news about the Murdochs had hit him especially hard: “I was just starting to get over the Putins.” The Prince of Darkness said he first got word of the Murdoch divorce about an hour before the official announcement: “My banker at Goldman Sachs called and told me to sell my News Corp. stock right away.”

That's a fucking classic… Nice one Andy. Don't worry, in a couple of weeks I’ll be claiming it as mine. 

She said she would marry me even if I was a pauper!

Wizened of oz divorcing lady fu Manchu!

Yes, the “Dirty Digger’s” third wife has finally decided that all the horse tranquilizers in the world at bed time won’t turn the trick any more. However, 14 years of bedding someone who looks like “Heff’s” older brother has generated enough loot to buy her most of fucking Shanghai. She certainly aint walking empty handed. When he divorced his second wife to marry Wendi within a month, it cost him $1.1 billion! Ouch, that’s nearly as much as he lost on MySpace. The “Dragon Lady” will probably be best remembered for saving “The Dirty Digger” from a pie in the face during a British Parliamentary Committee hearing a couple of years ago. Professor Spivak and London AdScamer, “The Cartoonist” assure me that “Rupe” is currently interviewing a selection of big tittied Page 3 dollies from rancid rag, The Sun, for slot number four. Evil old wanker!

No more happy times...

Well... Maybe for "Rupe"...

And there's always Rebekah...

Sir Martin Sorrell takes “massive” pay cut!

At yesterday’s WPP annual general meeting, more than 70% of voting shareholders signed off on The Poisoned Dwarf’s $25 million pay package. However, to show what a fucking prince he is, His Gnomeship agreed to a reduction of $200,000 on his actual salary. That’s about one fucking percent of his total remuneration. And you know that doesn’t include little perks like the Gramercy Park Love Nest and flying to Cannes this week on his private Concord. Questions were also raised on succession planning for when Sorrell finally retires in fifty years. No problem Sir replied… “Team Clown”  is being prepped for the job.

WPP’s latest acquisition!

 

My water is trendier than your water!

Yeah, it’s a given that most BDC’s along with their BDA’s think that the consumer is stupid, having long since forgotten David’s immutable dictum (Wednesday is Hitler day, Friday is Kate day, I am tempted to make Thursday discombobulating word day.) That “The consumer is not stupid, she is your wife!” Now, Nestle is introducing “Resource,” a premium water they say is made specifically for a woman who is a little more on the trendy side and in a higher income bracket! Obviously, this means that even though it is exactly the same as the stuff you get out of your kitchen sink faucet, the trendy ladies are going to be paying through their reconstructed fucking noses for it. It’ll probably sell like hot cakes… Correction… It’ll probably sell like low fat, low sodium, gluten free, organic, fucking tasteless, hot cakes. Best of all it’s from Nestle. Didn't they once have to recall their baby food ‘cos the jars were full of broken glass? It was however, low fat, low sodium, gluten free, organic glass. 

Get the facts, nothing but the facts, only on AdScam!

Myspace is back… yes, fucking myspace... Aaaagh... Chokes on third martini!

According to AdWeek, “MySpace is re-launching with a $20 million ad campaign.” Oh fucking yes, just what the world needs, another hip & groovy social site brought back from the dead, featuring young cretins who are into all the hip & groovy things young cretins do. Music, clothes, pulling faces, making gang signs, smashing guitars, falling about on the floor, pretending to be lesbians, and basically demonstrating that they are young cretins with nothing better to do with their pathetic lives. Always remember what Genghis Khan said… “The lesson of history is that we are destined to never learn from the lesson of history!” Yes, I know he didn’t say that, but some other famous fucker did. Maybe it was the “Wizened of Oz,” after paying $630 million for MySpace, then having to dump it for $30 million a few years later. Maybe it’s just curmudgeonly old me… Or maybe it's just that I’m not hip & groovy enough!

And pick up your dog's shit while you're at it!

Rogue my arse!

Read the AdAge interview with Craig Brierley, Cadillac’s Chief AdNozzle, for an insight into how fucked up the ad biz is, particularly when it comes to the big car accounts. Firstly, he doth protest too much that Interpublic had the inside track. Even though all four contestants did “outstanding” work… Don’t they always… Wonder if the losers got a presentation fee for their efforts… Ooops, sorry, don’t know what got into me for a minute there. Funniest bit is the choice of name for the newly cobbled together team… Rogue… Yeah, fucking Rogue. Perfect for a mob of dead-in-the-head BDA’s belonging to a fucked up BDHC about to handle a BDC that makes a car mostly driven by golf playing, rich retirees living in Florida. Rogue… Perfect!

I wouldn't be caught dead in a Cadillac!

Apple… R&D cheapskates!

Was in the middle of reading a news piece in the San Jose Mercury about how little Hewlett-Packard now spends on R&D compared to the days when they were a technology power house… Then I came across this jaw dropping fact… Out of the top 20 Silicon Valley companies, H-P comes in at number 18, spending a mere 2.8% of revenues on R&D… And at number 19, spending just 2.2% of revenues… Drum roll please… Yes APPLE! Even fucking eBay spends four times as much researching the best ways to auction baseball memorabilia and Victorian chamber pots. Ha, no wonder Apple has fucking billions in the bank, and the new warm and fuzzy, feel-good campaign ends with the tagline… “Designed by Apple in California.” Yeah… By what, fucking chimps?

Un-fucking-believable!

Cannes… Crank for the adverati!

You may not have realized it, but you only have three days left to register for Cannes. If you hurry over to the registration site, you can sign up for all kinds of exciting packages… But, being an AdScamer, you’ll want to cough up for the very best on your Draft/FCB Platinum AmEx card. So, make it the “Premier Registration,” yours for just under $6,000. A suitable hotel? How about the “Majestic Barriere,” right on the Croisette? You can get a broom closet sized room for a mere $400 a night, but fuck it, go for the “Prestige Suite with Seaview,” at $3,000 a night. Oh, and don’t forget, there’s VAT at 19.6% added to everything. Hey... It’s only money, and more than likely, it’s not even yours!  

Guess who's speaking?