AdScam/The Horror!

Cannes innovates itself into irrelevancy!

Yesterday, Cannes awarded its first Grand Prix in the innovation category. Which was  introduced this year to honor pioneering forms of technology that have made ideas possible, and the top prize was awarded to “Cinder,” software developed by digital agency The Barbarian Group. Apparently, “Cinder” is an open-source platform for creative coding. It’s free to use, and so is the recipe that makes it. Created for “hardcore developers,” it runs on Mac OS X, the iOS and Windows, and was originally created to serve the VFX industry. It is a “toolbox” that lets you program graphics, audio, video, networking, image processing and computation geometry. To which I have to say… What the fuck does this have to do with advertising awards that are supposedly recognizing creativity? It’s like Leonardo winning a Lion for having the cleanest paint brushes. Even the Oscars for technical achievement are awarded at a separate ceremony. Cannes is starting to look like the Clio’s under Bill Evan’s reign. A bare faced fucking money machine to feed someones habit! 

And the Gold Cinder Block Award goes to... "Cinder!"

The martin agency insists that “Pizza Hut” should screw them... Yet Again!

Yum brands, purveyors of the world’s shittiest fast food, has fired yet another of its agencies. This time they have taken The Martin Agency behind the woodshed and shot them in the head. This after the poor fuckers handled the “Pizza Hut” business for just under three and a half years and have barely recovered the costs of the original pitch. So what will The Martin Agency do? That’s right, they will “defend” the account, and as recent research from the “Institute of Cognitive Douchenozzelry” demonstrates, they have a 4.35% chance of retaining the business. Which obviously means they are typical BDA masochists. Just as last time, the pitch will be managed by an agency search consultancy. Meaning, these are the only fuckers making money in the ad biz, and nobody at Yum Brands has the bloody brains to conduct their own search. 

Fuck it... Let's go down with the BDA!

Better birds with bigger boobs!

The latest extract from “Confessions of a Mad Man” is up on super Brit Ad-Site… “MoreAboutAdvertising.” This one deals with my experiences on Old Spice whilst the Dorland’s “Agency Fireman.” Three years of melting AmEx cards in the South of France whilst creating nautical sagas around the Old Spice three B’s” formula… Boats – Birds - Boobs. As I say in the wrap-up… The funny thing is, here we are thirty years later and every after shave ad, still promising the same thing… splash this on and you’ll get laid by semi naked chicks with big tits. Which simply goes to show there’s nothing new under the sun. Particularly in advertising.

"One" is not amused!

“Creative excellence” in scams!

Didyasee that the “Cannes International Festival of Creativity” (Fuck, I remember when it was just known as “Cannes.”) pulled a record 35,765 entries this year? As the average entry fee is in the hundreds of dollars, this adds up to a shitload of money. Fuck, Bill Evans must be spinning in his grave at the thought of how much “blow” that would have bought! Every year they add a few dozen new categories, and a couple of years ago, they topped themselves by adding… The Creative Excellence Category… I mean c’mon guys, pardon my geriatric stupidity here… But aren’t ALL the fucking categories supposed to demonstrate creative excellence? I’m rooting for Kosovo, Bahrain and Jordan, who each have one entry, which unlike the hundreds of Brazilian entries, may have actually run. 

Warp factor nine, Captain!

Ad-toff claims attempted murder was a tiff!

Multi-millionaire, Ex-Cockney-Git, really fucking bad taste modern art collector and uber- pimper, Lord Saatchi, is now claiming that the very public, “I will choke the fucking life out of you,” episode with scrumptious wife, Nigella… Was simply a little “Tiff!” Oh yes, Charlie, unfortunately, we have seen the photographic evidence. If that was a “Tiff,” then a “Row” would be beating her head to a bloody pulp with a crowbar. I will leave the last word to long suffering Nigella, who has previously described her husband as "an exploder". In 2007 she said: "I'll go quiet when he explodes, and then I am a nest of horrible festeringness." Ouch… Couldn’t have put it better myself!

Would you like jam on that?

saatchi seen strangling wife!

Don't know what they're putting in Britain's water these days, but the rich and mighty seem to be flipping their lids at the moment. After the Rupe-Wendi-Toni rumors, we now have news that Lord Charlie was photographed at a trendy London nosherie attempting to strangle his wife, celebrity chef, Nigella Lawson during the course of a heated argument. Maybe Nigella was telling him it's about time he grew up and stopped spending all that loot he collected pimping the fucking Conservatives on a load of old rubbish that they call art these days. Rumors that Charlie has asked his mate, Damian, to put Nigella in a giant formaldehyde aquarium, are apparently unfounded.

Charlie... A word in your shell-like! 

Cannes-a-boola!

Yes, it’s that time of year again, when the adverati descend on the French Riviera to stay up all night glugging 25 Euro Mimosas on the Croisette. The BDA and BDHC wankers will blow millions of their client’s dollars as they partake of an orgy of self congratulation whilst “networking” with their fellow wankers. Thousands of Lions will be awarded in thousands of categories for work which all too often has never appeared, or at the very least has run once in the Brazilian Sheet Metal Workers Gazette. I’m looking forward to seeing the Lion d’Or for best bar code… Yes, an agency won that category one year, and it was later disclosed that they had fucking “Homaged” it from another agency. You can’t make this shit up. The numbers of agency people will only be matched by the number of hookers who have flown in for the festival. 

Bon jour matelot!

More sirs, please sir!

The British ad biz is awash with “Sirs” these days, with the news that Nigel Bogle, co-founder of Bartle, Bogle, Hegarty, has been awarded a knighthood. John Hegarty got his a while back. You just know the “Poisoned Dwarf” is pissed about not yet getting the ermine to match Lord Saatchi. Maybe if he moved WPP headquarters back from its Irish UK tax avoidance scam, he might have a chance. The tragedy of all this is that poor old David Ogilvy, who did more for British tourism and a number of British charities, got fuck all. The story is that the Duke of Edinburgh hated him and kept blocking it. Nasty old fucker. 

Say no more... Wink, wink!

Can you overcome the frozen dick?

I promise to give the “Rupe-Wendy-Cage-Match” a rest after this (Well, ‘till the next bit of something really juicy comes up,) but, I have to bless you with these two quotes from an Oz news site… 

A former nanny to the couple, who was previously described by a spokesman for the Murdoch’s as a ‘‘disgruntled former employee’’, said last year that Ms Deng ‘‘curses Rupert all the time. A lot of f-words. She’s always yelling, crying’’. She added: ‘‘Everyone who works for her hates her and is scared of her.’’

Ms Deng embarrassed her husband early in their marriage by telling an associate in Hong Kong that ‘‘Rupert takes Viagra, but he doesn’t really need it!”

Oh, last time I looked, his two latest kids came courtesy of his cryogenic, “Frozen Dick” seed!

Do you have any fucking idea how many bezilions I am going to take this old goat for?

Murdoch-Wendi-Uber-Wolff-Kudos!

I’ve just re-read Michael Wolff’s wondrous tear down of the current “Rupe-Wendy-Cage-Fight.” Lots and lots of slathering mucus covered tit-bits. Like these… Murdoch had told his oldest son, Lachlan, he'd concluded that marrying Wendi was a "mistake" – or so Lachlan, along with his siblings never a fan of his father's remarriage, was telling people. Wendi, had given him – "from the fridge", after his prostate cancer – two young Chinese children (and moved her parents to New York). Meanwhile, his mother who died this year, at the age of 135, always refused to meet Wendi. Mmmm, that’s strange, why would she not want to meet a young Chinese dolly, a mere 300 years younger than her geriatric son, who stood to cash out big time if she could stay on the horse tranquilizers and insist on turning all the fucking lights out before having the “Dirty Digger” despoiling her Coober Pedy? Final question… Will this fucker live forever. Can someone burn the picture in the attic?

Yeah... But only if they are Uber-Rich!!!