A well intentioned rant about the current state of Advertising, with particular emphasis on Big Dumb Agencies (BDA's) Because, no matter how bad you think it is, it's actually a great deal worse!
"Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill pail." George Orwell.
Besides his dreadful movies, why does uber-snorter, Seth Rogen, whenever he’s on a dumb fuck “”interview” (get the clever fucking tie-in, there?) show, snigger and snort when he laughs? Oh, wait a minute… Oh yeah, perhaps a snigger snorting overdose maybe?
Wow… Did you read Nicholas Carlson’s piece in Sunday’s New York Times… “What happened when Marissa Mayer tried to be Steve Jobs.” Boy, does he kick the shit out of the permanently purple clad diva of Yahoo. As I’ve documented here on AdScam, not only has the Alibaba windfall saved her arse over the last couple of years, but her bad business decisions and micro-management style seems to have pissed off many of the troops. However, one of the funny bits in the piece is how she refused to consider Gwyneth “Goop” Paltrow as a contributing editor for Yahoo Food, ‘cos she never graduated from college! Marissa sounds like a douchenozzle!
Loyal AdScamers will know that I make occasional appearances on the “BeanCast.” A delightful weekly podcast organized and hosted by my mate, Bob Knorpp. Bob endeavors to get really good and worthwhile guests to talk about what’s currently happening in marketing, media and advertising. He also has me on to rant and rave about all the shit that pisses me off. This requires judicious use of the “Bleep” in order not to get his sponsors pissed off. Anyway, BeanCast 332: The 2014 Year-End Review, is up today. I strongly recommend it. Good shit on there, without me ranting and swearing… But, if that’s what you want, I’ll be on the BeanCast January 5th. Think of that whilst getting pissed over New Year.
The local Fox TV affiliate reports that a truly massive crowd of nearly 200 people showed up to protest President Obama’s (The Communist/Fascist/Muslim/Scientologist/Whatever dictator) normalizing of relations with the Communist/Fascist/Muslim/Scientologist/Whatever, nation of Cuba. As one of the geriatric demonstrators explained to the 200 Fox interviewers… This is all about making yumo-superb-o-luscious cigars, and delecto-lip-smackable rum available to Americans. Damn right, I can’t think of a better reason.
And, they are rolled on the thighs of Cuban virgins!
If ever you needed proof that politics in general are fucked up, and politics in America are a giant festering carbuncle on the arse of the nation, news yesterday that Carly “Queen” Fiorina is probably going to be a presidential candidate, should be the final nail in the coffin lid. The woman is a fucking disaster. As is well know, she nearly destroyed H-P and was finally fired by the board for gross incompetence, walking with a $34 million golden parachute. She then ran against Barbara Boxer in 2010 for national office and lost by ten whopping points. Incidentally, she still has unpaid staff bills for $500,000 from that race. She lent herself $7 million for the campaign from her estimated fortune of $120 million, but made sure she was repaid that loan. When she lost she told the workers and vendors to go fuck themselves... So why the fuck would anyone work for her this time around? And who in their right mind would vote for this hypocrite? Oh, and she's alread raised nearly $2million from douchenozzle donors in the last month! Un-Fucking-Believable... You can't make this shit up!
You will be pleased to learn that America’s third richest douchenozzle just got even richer. Yes, Larry “Ninja” Ellison “trousered” a few more billions on Thursday when Oracle’s stock hit its highest peak since 2000 jumping over 10%. This means that instead of merely having the next America’s Cup hosted in Bermuda… He will fucking buy Bermuda. He will also buy a fleet of SR-71 Blackbirds, have a Ford class aircraft carrier converted to yet another of his mega-yachts, and continue to have the BDA’s of the world anxious to kiss his arse in order to win his business, so they can produce his execrable advertising. Nothing changes!
Sticking with the current fucked up state of the ad biz, once again, ace ad reporter, Noreen O’Leary, over at AdWeek informs up that BBDO, Atlanta client, Carnival Cruises, is running a competition in which you can get to vote on which one of four commercials they should run on the Super Bowl. Actually, it’s a no-brainer. None of them should run, ‘cos they are all shitasmically fucking horrible. Most Super Bowl spots these days run for fucking months before the event and so have zero fucking impact on the day… Meaning 1984 would have no chance these days… “Wot run it just once after I’ve paid a shitload of money to shoot it. Who do you think I am… Steve fucking Jobs?” Anyway, all the Carnival spots suck and the prize is a cruise every year ‘till you die of the Ebola you picked up on one of them.
This is the ship you'll be sailing on for the rest of your life!
I knew it was going to happen… ‘Cos shit does. But when I read Noreen O’Leary’s news in AdWeek today that Diageo has given the Johnnie Walker account to Anomaly after 15 years of truly great work from BBH, even I was fucking gobsmacked. Here’s the comment I posted on Noreen’s piece…
@Noreen... As you know, I never cease to be amazed at how f*c*ed (they won’t let me say FUCKED on AdWeek) up this business has become. Surely, this is the final nail in the coffin lid of a once great biz. Even sadder is the fact that BBH re-pitched, and probably spent beaucoup bucks doing it. I would have just said... "Judge us on our work and your increased sales." Yeah, I know, easily said when you are not the one to have to lay of the people who have done a sterling job over the years. If I was BBH, I'd pay Robert Carlyle to go and do a "Trainspotting" number on the client's head. I need a drink!
We have now arrived at a state where advertising agencies are regarded by their clients as purveyors of bathroom cleaners, sanitary towels and suppositories. It isn’t entirely the fault of the BDA’s, much of the blame rests at the doorstep of their BDHC number crunching masters… Always remembering that the snot gobbling greed of the BDA principals allowed themselves to be bought in the first place. It’s fucked!
Diageo Scotch... What the fuck kind of drink is that?
As you know, I enjoy kicking the shit out of the abysmal Kmart advertising produced by the incomparable “Adventure Team” at FCB, Chicago. Now Kmart's parent company, Sears, has joined the “Shit My Ads” club, courtesy of their BDA, McGarryBowen. In a two and a half minute spot, Karen – A lady with a really fucking annoying voice – Answers the door bell to find “Brad from Sears.” Not thinking for a minute that Brad might be a serial killer, she goes with him to Sears to buy gifts for everyone. Dickensian singers keep popping up, encouraging her to buy such exiting items as tool boxes and mattresses. Yes, just what someone you love wants for Christmas… A fucking mattress. As you would expect from McGarry “We Do Mundane” Bowen… It’s expected, safe and boring.
I opened the tool box, there was a fucking mattress inside!